Facebook Break

For anyone who follows my page on Facebook, this is just to acknowledge that I unpublished the page this past Friday. I haven’t decided whether this is temporary or permanent.

I began feeling too exposed & vulnerable. The goal of this blog & my page is to allow me to share my thoughts, values, & opinions about my parenting journey with other like-minded individuals.

It’s important to me that I maintain some element of anonymity, as I share things about my family & myself. The Facebook page was shared too often with people I know who could both identify me & be offended by or become defensive about my thoughts.

I’m ok with alienating strangers, for the most part. I’m not ok with alienating people I deal with in my day-to-day life.

I’m not deleting my blog. I love my blog. If someone wants to know my thoughts enough to seek out my blog & then be offended, then ok.

Facebook’s policies for how they recommend pages, etc just put me too much out in the open to feel comfortable any longer.

So I don’t know if this makes a lot of sense to random people who read my blog, but in case anyone who follows me on Facebook comes here wondering, this is my statement. :-)

My Pinterest page is still active, so feel free to follow me there for memes & articles that relate to my journey. Leave me comments here & there. I’ve so enjoyed getting to know a number of awesome mamas over the past several months. I’d love to continue.

I’ve recently finished a few posts, so I’ll be at least adding some new stuff over the next month or two. I’ll keep working here, because I enjoy it.

Maybe someday I’ll return to Facebook or another site like it. For now, though, I’m pulling back & keeping myself a little less exposed.

Thank you for all the support I’ve received.

Only love. Always.

I’ve Not Made Time

So I’ve not been active with blog posts in quite a while. Life keeps me busy as I’m learning new skills, raising my children, and doing some hard self- & life-evaluation. I still occasionally post stuff on the Facebook page, and I’ve been surprisingly active on Pinterest the last several days, but the time to write anything has not been made.

Writing is one form of catharsis for me, but it’s not something I’ve been allowing myself. I never seem to find myself alone with my computer. I’m too busy. By the time I’m alone and not busy, I’m too tired.

(I’ve been regularly falling sleep before 11, & often much earlier, for the past several weeks, which is so not my usual sleep pattern.)

I think the real reason I’ve not made the time, though, is fear. I’m not sure I can explain it, but I think I’ve been afraid to write because I’ve been avoiding going too deep into myself lately. It seems like everything in there is dark & messy & could so easily drag me down. Most days I feel like I’m barely hanging onto my own shadow.

Also I fear putting myself “out there,” where all the cyber psychos and clever critics can assess my words & what they mean, draw conclusions about my intelligence or sanity levels, judge my mad writing skills, or ultimately see my lack of confidence & vast array of illogical fears. And then I fear being true to myself.

But maybe it’s time, yes?

Time to just write because I like to write. Time to write about anything that catches my attention. Time to write my thoughts & stop worrying about all the people who will definitely not agree with me. Time to write because it’s cathartic.

I know I don’t have a great following or fans or whatever blog junkies are called (b/c I’m not one, which makes me wonder why the hell I started a blog), and I know that I don’t write anything too hard hitting or powerful here, but I’m going to try to publish at least one new post a week. I’m doing this for me in my attempt to remain true to the person I’m learning I am.

Chances are, I’ll miss weeks, maybe more. But the evaluation process I mentioned earlier is making me more and more aware of the person I am and the person I want to be. And the person I want to be also happens to be a writer. So I’m gonna write.

Gonna write crap. Gonna write sap. Gonna write gems. Gonna write stories and thoughts and dreams and fears and all about me and my life  with my beautiful children and my husband and my marriage boulders and my life boulders and my slightly neurotic dog.

I want to write. So every week, I promise myself that I will write and publish a post, and I’ll just see where it takes me.

Until next week…

Ode to My Daughter

Here’s a little ditty that I wrote for my eldest daughter this year. She is my miracle child, & she amazes me. Sometimes, when I watch her, words just seem to flow through my mind, like a song. They echo & resonate. They’re not much, as far as words go, but the emotion they express fills me each time they sail through my brain again. I love being a mom.

My eldest hunting for Easter eggs.

Ode to My Daughter

I love to watch you dance & run,
I love to hear you sing.
I love to listen to your jokes
& push you on the swing.

I love to make tomato soup
& eat some cheese with you.
I love to snuggle on the couch.
Your smile lights up the room.

I love to look into your eyes
that look so much like mine.
I love that you are sweet & smart.
I love that you are kind.

I love to cuddle you close to me.
I love when you are wild.
I love that you were given to me.
I love that you’re my child.

– Started 2/14/2013

Do you write poetry? Add your link in the comments & share your inspiration!

Anxiety, My Old Nemesis

I’ve struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember. I’m not sure when it started. There aren’t too many memories of life without it hanging on my shoulder, making me question what I say or fear other peoples’ reactions to me. It’s just something I’ve learned to live with, something I relegate to the attic of my brain.

Today, though, it broke out & came after me, prepared to impart blunt-force trauma to my psyche.

Let me back up.

My newest daughter, NBG (New Baby Girl), was born in January. While my husband’s company policy states that new additions are to be submitted for health insurance within 30 days of birth, we failed to submit the application until 36 days. There’s actually a reason this happened (involving birth certificates & our previous experience with our first daughter), but ultimately, we messed up. We know it. We were prepared to jump through any hoops the company put forth.

We did not expect the company to refuse to cover her for a full year.

The HR department simply told us that she wouldn’t be eligible until next year, sent us some links for state medical coverage, & bid us adieu. I think this is unacceptable, unreasonable even. We were six days late. Let us pay a fee or simply start her coverage from the submission date instead of from birth. Something. Anything. Just work with us a little bit.

My husband went back & forth with HR. No. He spoke to his director. No. He spoke to the director of HR. No. He even called the insurance company, which said they’d be happy to add NBG, but she must be added by his company. So effectively, no.

After all this, my husband wasn’t sure about pushing it any further. Up until this point, there had been nothing I could do. I couldn’t add her initially, I couldn’t beg, plead with, or kosh over the head any of the people refusing my perfect, new little girl medical coverage. So when my husband wasn’t sure about pursuing it further (& months were slipping by), I wrote & sent a letter to his CEO.

I did not go behind my husband’s back. I read & re-read. I agonized over every word, trying to balance between professionalism & outright begging. I read it to my husband to make sure he was comfortable with it. (Quite frankly, I think he just didn’t want to deal with it anymore & was ready to just pay out-of-pocket for the next year.) My background is writing & administrative assistance. I’m fairly confident the letter was acceptable. Then I sent it last week.

Now you’re caught up.

Today, my husband received an email from an HR representative which said she understood his concern regarding NBG’s health insurance. She informed him that a meeting has been scheduled with her & his director for next Monday at the company headquarters, & he needs to make travel arrangements to attend it.

Oh, this is so me.

ANXIETY!!!!

This was not the response I anticipated, and now I’m mentally sifting through everything that happened, questioning everything.

I absolutely loathe conflict.

Even as I’ve gone over everything, even questioning whether or not I made too big a deal out of it, I keep coming back to the conviction that I’m right. Yes, the request was submitted late, but six days does not justify an entire year. So far, every person I’ve spoken to has had the same reaction, but even without that boost, my conviction would remain. It’s simply wrong to refuse to cover a newborn child under an existing family plan just because the policy & procedure says to do it that way. If it’s a law (which I haven’t found it to be yet), then I still think it’s wrong.

So why won’t they just add her or say no again? My husband has been pursued by a headhunter for a while now, & he’s also found some other, better positions available. He’s started updating his resume to submit. He’s the ideal candidate for each job, & chances are high he would be offered at least one position, if not more. We’ll get NBG medical coverage. We’re both feeling a bit sold out by the company.

But of course, even with the possibilities, I’m anxious, nervous, ready to assume the worst.

I’m questioning everything. Was I too pushy? But I don’t see how I could have simply settled for my new daughter to not be insured with the rest of us. Will my husband face repercussions? But they have no legitimate cause to fire him, & he has several solid job options. Did I overstep a boundary? But I’m ready to do whatever I have to do to protect & provide for my children. I am a mom, after all.

Ugh. Anxiety. Worry. Nerves. Call it what you will. It’s exhausting. Draining. It sucks the joy out of every situation because it just nags & gnaws in the peripheral.

The fact is, it’s already done. Whatever is going to happen will happen. The decisions have been made. The course has been set. It’s because I cannot see it that I am anxious. I don’t know how I’m going to respond. I don’t know the outcome.

I have to trust…someone else.

I can’t control this.

The Bible instructs me not to worry, but to trust God for everything I need. This is something with which I’ve always struggled, for as long as I can remember. There has been some serious improvement as my faith has deepened & matured over the years, but there are still times, like now, when it’s as if he sets the struggle before me, allowing me to choose. Do I trust him to make all things right? Or do I stew over something about which I can do nothing?

It’s the powerlessness, you know?

I hate feeling powerless.

But if God is for me, then who can be against me? Seriously. I know of his strength, his wisdom, his power. Now I get to practice what I profess. I get to trust him to take care of us. What other choice do I have? And then I feel terrible that the only convincing argument I can give myself right at this moment is that I have no other choice than to trust him. What a weak Christian it makes me feel!

But that’s what I’m going to do. I’ve been in positions like this before, & so far, every time I’ve finally relegated my perceived power (which is actually just my anxiety) over to him, things have worked out…amazingly well, in fact. So I’m saying it now. An hour from now, it’s quite possible I’ll be struggling with it again. Then hopefully I’ll follow through this convoluted, rambling chain of logic & reach the same conclusion…again.

I’m so glad I serve a patient God.

Thanks for letting me talk this one out.

Learning to be Mommy

Some women are born to be moms & wives. It’s just in their DNA.

They rise before the sun, run 9 miles, cook a well-balanced breakfast for the whole family, get everyone out the door on time (or keep them home, whatever), keep a house clean (not just free of trip-hazards), bake made-from-scratch cookies every day, get all the laundry done (AND folded AND put away), sew adorable outfits for their 27 children, think of things like cutting sandwiches into shapes, and buy 20 bags of healthy, organic, GMO-free groceries for $30 after super-couponing…all without batting an eyelash.

That ain’t me.

I’m the woman who’s perpetually 10 (15, 20) minutes late for nearly everything, who once drove across town after forgetting to buckle my toddler into her carseat, who can’t leave a store (ANY store) without purchasing at least one item, who’s constantly exhausted because my subconscious smells freedom as soon as the kids are asleep & promptly re-energizes.

I can cook, but I rarely enjoy it (unless it involves beating a raw chicken with a blunt instrument).

Besides, food always tastes better when someone else prepares it. I am adamant about buying GMO-free food, however, although I rarely walk out of the store having paid less than $200. Someday!

Cleaning?

I joke that I’m building my children’s immune systems, so I don’t vacuum. (Actually, there is an element of truth to that.) But I actually do clean…begrudgingly…because I know that, as soon as I’m “finished,” someone will come along and destroy it…be it husband, child, or 4-legged companion. (Ever notice that kitties puke on everything you love? And the dog will always choose the carpet over the tile floor.)

Let’s face it. Cleaning is never done.

Yeah, I’m crafty.

I’ve made my own hummingbird food, cross stitched several patterns, photoshopped pictures (& put them on stamps, mugs, mouse pads, and more, all to the amazement of family & friends), and beaded my own jewelry (but I kinda have to do that to use up all the beads & components I bought during that phase when I, apparently, drank too much wine and decided to start a jewelry business).

Let’s just say, I’m not always good at finishing what I start, but my intentions are sincere!

And I can’t even jog for two minutes without being out of breath…9 miles is Mt. Kilimanjaro, thank you very much.

Once upon a time, before children and medical treatments, I was a fitness trainer. A darn good one, too! Now I’m a candidate for The Biggest Loser. Oh, how the mighty have fallen! (Or widened, as it were.) But I’m gunning to complete Tough Mudder in 2013, so this paragraph will be rendered obsolete eventually. (Then all you mamas running 9 miles are going DOWN.)

See? So imperfect. So flawed.

But I’m learning. Aren’t we all?

When I had my first child (almost 3 years ago), I “knew” it wouldn’t be easy…but in my heart, I though, “Ha! I got this!”

So really, I didn’t know anything at all.

Now I’ve got two children…and I know even less! But I wear it better now.

(It’s nice being confident in what I don’t know.)

So while my family might not always get a home-cooked meal (sometimes a pre-made, frozen lasagna is just how it goes) and the house may just be tidy & deathtrap-free instead of spotless & pristine and some projects might sit unfinished for a few months (years, decades) and maybe the laundry sits in baskets all clean & stuff, just waiting for something to happen…well, I learn a little more every day.

And every day, I get a little closer to being the mommy I want to be.

So follow along as I share what I learn, how I fail, when I succeed, and what I accomplish. If nothing else, you might just get a good laugh out of it.

Oh, and don’t take me too seriously. My humor tends to be…well, not funny. Or so I’m told. (I think I’m hilarious.)

Welcome to my world!